Relationships

06.23.10

Perhaps one of the biggest influences and limiting factors on teenage dating presents itself as the parents who set the rules for their children before they ever even have their first boyfriend or girlfriend. According to a study conducted by the American Psychological Association, found here, the teen years are what shape an individuals sexuality and romantic interests well into their college years and early adulthood.

“Research with college students suggests that conversations with friends during the high school years was an important source of sex-related information (Kallen, Stephenson, & Doughty, 1983); conversations with best friends has been found to be related to sexual attitudes and behaviors (Lefkowitz, Boone, & Shearer, 2004).”

If this is true, (and it is), then it would seem very counter intuitive to ill-equip todays youth for the world they’re being brought up in. The facts point towards online interaction and personal friendships as the two leading contributors to one’s view on relationships. You may be asking yourself, is the internet really  what is providing “holistic advice on a healthy relationship” to today’s teens? Well it is, and this short but hopefully helpful overview written and presented by myself, will attempt to provide that “holistic advice on a healthy relationship”.

In truth, this presentation will apply to more people than just teens, it will also serve as a strong reference point to parents, educators, and anyone who finds themselves listening to it or reading the transcripts.

Presentation

There’s something about putting the word ‘relation’ in front of ’ship’ that instantly makes it more complicated than a friendship. But why is this? Both a friendship and a relationship must be built on the same core components. You hear stories about people growing up to marry their ‘best friend’, you wouldn’t want to be in any other situation would you? For most teenagers a relationship usually serves one or more of the following purposes (harsh but true): a social role at school, a fixation of one kind or another, or a short and imperfect infatuation with someone for reasons less than desirable. Notice, I said most. However, there are many teenagers emotionally mature enough to think beyond their own individual needs and attend to the needs of someone else. And that right there is the very foundation of what a relationship is.

One must have reasonable expectations of their partner. Entering into any form of a relationship with a mindset that you can change the individual only places you in an emotionally vulnerable position. Best to try and ‘fix them’ before you invest more in them than they do in you.

Your partner wants to see that you have a life that both incorporates them and your own personal interests and goals. While people’s preferences differ from relationship to relationship, a common theme is creating an atmosphere that is both intimate and open for breathing room, all while being fulfilling for both. Some ways to do this include continuing to build your friendships with others, staying actively involved in things you’re passionate about, and of course, talking to your partner and reaching the right balance.

All of that having been said, things are never so simple when you’re in a relationship. I want to focus on sustaining a relationship. Eventually all relationships reach a point at which they stop running on excitement and start running on a true and real desire for one another, an emotional connection, and a physical attraction. Unfortunately it’s usually hard to tell when this point is reached, some people will learn after they’re married that they haven’t yet met that point, and some will struggle with many relationships until they do reach that point. The rest of the presentation will focus on being in a  relationship, if you have any questions or comments regarding things I have said up to this point, please bring them to my attention.

Sustaining a relationship can be compared to achieving musical competency with an instrument, at first your going to mess up  often, probably hit a few wrong notes, and then hopefully get better at it eventually. So many people overlook the things that make or break a relationship. You need to find these things out up front, and there is no set list of criteria that everyone wants. Some people need more emotional support than others, and some need more or less of a physical relationship. You absolutely must learn how your partner feels most comfortable communicating with you. Are there certain times they’re more receptive to you than others, specific approaches to take when raising a controversial opinion, or things you know will cause them to put up a communication wall to you?

People tend to naturally respond better to others when they are focused on them. So save that really important conversation with your partner for a time when you can have their attention to the degree in which you need it. The daily stresses in life will sadly preoccupy not only most of your partners emotional energy, but yours as well, so if you have to, tell your partner you want to talk to them about something important to you and set a time to do so. As a general rule, never try and resolve an issue if you or your partner haven’t had time to cool off. We’re all much more rational when we’ve had time to de-stress and think about the situation from a wider angle. I could go on for quite some time talking about communication strategy, but really in practice, the ones that work with your partner are the same ones you should be using with everybody else in your life, so if you’d like to learn more please read this.

Perhaps the easiest or the most difficult area of a relationship is the physical aspect of one. Hopefully you’re still with me, because this is usually the part that demands significant attention. With TV shows like “Secret Life of the American Teen” & “The Hills”, it’s hard to know what the norm is for teenagers and young adults today. But I’m going to tell you quite simply, there is no norm, and no couple should decide the fate of their physical relationship based on anything but their feelings for each other and their level of comfort with each other. I prefaced this presentation with an article referring to the discovery of sexual ideas and teen usage of the internet. Most teenagers will explore their own sexuality through a combination of popular media and online resources. All of this is heavily influenced by the society and culture one is growing up in, obviously significantly impacted by religious and traditional norms as well. So there really is no right and wrong when it comes down to how involved you become with someone. It is dependent upon the two people and what they decide. Having said that, of course there’s a right and wrong! It’s just up to the maturity of the individuals and whether or not they will make the right decisions for themselves.

Talk to your boyfriend or girlfriend, if you can’t have the conversation about how you both feel about it, you shouldn’t be in that territory yet. Your relationship will be much more successful if you get on the right page early on and respect your partner’s feelings. I cannot express how important this is or how essential it is. In fact, you owe yourself the self-respect to only be in a relationship where your values are respected by your partner. If there is mutual understanding and respect between two people, the physical relationship can be both an exciting and comforting part of a healthy relationship.

The Most Important Part…

Have fun. Seriously. You didn’t meet your potential boyfriend or girlfriend and say, “Oh I would now like to formalize my intent for one day dating you”. You found them to be a great person. Never forget the things that first attracted you to them, because those things are there to stay. Most people need warmth in a relationship, you can help make you and your partner feel happy and comfortable by being yourself. You don’t need to try overly hard, and the littlest things like a surprise kiss or an unexpected hug can make your relationship conducive to bringing about lasting satisfaction for both people.

I hope that you can take something valuable from this, and if nothing else found it to be a pleasant overview. Thank you for your time, and I am now open to comments and questions.

Michael

This presentation, although written in blog post style, was originally intended for a live audience, all references to first and and second person pronouns are to enhance the reception of the speech and an alternative version of this is available as a transcript.