The most important factor we need to concern ourselves with when working with teens is our ability to

For the most part, there is a principled way we can do this. The first step is in our approach.  We should not start a conversation by assuming negative intent, we should always assume positive intent, and we should always start a conversation in a way that does not draw immediate attention to a mistake or area of conflict. Not every conversation needs to start with a question, talking about something interesting you saw on TV, or something you did that day is also a good way to open dialogue. This also prevents you from putting the teen on the defense. When do you start with a question though, make sure it is an open ended one. In other words, ‘What did your teacher say about your essay in class today?’, as opposed to ‘Did your teacher say anything about your essay?’. When you ask a yes or no question, more than likely you will receive a yes or no answer.

Next you want to position your purpose for starting a conversation, something as simple as, ‘I talked with your teacher today and I wanted to share what we discussed‘. Then you should request permission, a simple ‘Hey do you have five minutes to talk about today’s meeting?’. This way you put the teen in control and prevent them from feeling like you’re operating an interrogation. 

If you get permission, go ahead and continue your conversation in a non-accusatory tone. If you don’t get permission, ask when a better time would be (even though you may be thinking, hey I’m the adult here) you need to treat a teen as you would expect another adult to treat you.

Throughout the conversation alignment is important, this is done though empathy and reiterating what they say for clarification.

For all those times you’ve been frustrated, upset, confused, and generally just ticked off at your boyfriend or girlfriend, I present you with the five mistakes I think most of us make and why we never seem to quite catch on.

1. Displacement. We take an innocent mistake and link it to an unrelated issue.

When a problem arises between you and your partner, it’s very important that you determine whether or not it’s an isolated issue or part of a bigger pattern of miscommunication. Displacement can cause us to jump from the disagreement at hand, say – finding out your partner didn’t tell you something a friend told them in confidence that you expect them to tell you – and then subsequently finding yourself arguing about trust issues and calling your entire relationship into question. We have a tendency to be irrational when our feelings of competency in our relationship are called into question, however we should strive to treat every issue in context and tease it out without lumping in old fights or things that do not directly relate to the current disagreement. 

2. We have expectations, but we don’t set them properly with our partner.

A relationship is complex and our needs in relationships are just as complex – if not even more. So when we fail to communicate effectively our needs, expectations, and feelings to our partner in all facets of the relationship we really just set them up to fail. It’s almost entirely our fault. We shouldn’t expect them to figure out these things all on their own, nor should we expect them to be able to read our minds and anticipate our feelings before we are open about them. I think this is especially true for guys who (I will admit) often need things more clearly spelled out in a direct fashion. So before you beat yourself up because you feel like your partner doesn’t understand you or what you need from them, make sure you talk to them when you have their full attention and you can convey your thoughts maturely and in a concise manner. Only after you’ve done these things should you feel negative towards them if they choose to ignore what you’ve said or write it off as insignificant. Your feelings are NEVER insignificant in a healthy relationship.

3. Sometimes we just get too comfortable in a relationship.

Being completely relaxed and comfortable in a relationship is awesome. But there is such a thing as being too comfortable. You may be thinking, well, how could I be ‘too’ comfortable in a relationship? It’s pretty simple really. An important part of relationships is attraction, attraction to your partner emotionally, physically, etc. The process of becoming too comfortable in a relationship leads to decreased attraction between partners. For example, when you first met your partner, first started dating, you probably put a great deal more of effort into things like your appearance and hygiene, what you said in conversation (filtering!), and how considerate you were them. Now, it’s an obvious given that as you grow in a relationship you should start to feel more comfortable, you should start to be be more relaxed around each other – that’s perfectly normal and healthy. But when you are too comfortable, you lose sight of the things you originally did in order to impress your partner, to tend to their emotional needs, and to generally interact in a patient and considerate manner. An important part of attraction is always trying to impress your partner, not in an egotistical way, but in a caring way. And that point alone I think can lead to a much happier, healthier, and intimate relationship.

4. We pick battles that aren’t worth fighting and end up doing more harm.

We’ve all had that moment where we realize midway through an argument that it’s literally pointless. All of us have had that experience, and yet almost all of us continue to have those arguments month after month. There’s two problems to be had here, 1) those arguments are completely stupid and we just need to own up to it, end them and diffuse the conflict and move one, 2) if we know specific topics that often arouse an argument, we should do our best to avoid them (it’s important to note that this is the case for trivial arguments, if it’s a serious issue that strikes at the meaning of your relationship, then either find a way to work it out, or end the relationship responsibly) because we can increase the overall happiness of our relationships by simply respecting each others opinions even if we don’t completely agree with them as long as they are not self-destructive to our partner or destructive to our relationships as a whole.

5. We forget, fail, or choose not to empathize when it’s most important.

Often we inadvertently (and sometimes intentionally) sidestep important moments that should be used to empathize, listen, and relate to our partner. The process of ignoring and overlooking the significance of these moments to our partner is a recipe for unhappiness in our relationships. The thing is, sometimes the most benign scenarios to us can be extremely sensitive and important to our partner. We have to be akin to these situations. If we aren’t, our failure to recognize and respond appropriate to these scenarios can make us look extremely unaffected, disconnected, and apathetic – all signs we don’t care about our partners emotional well-being. Using context clues, listening, and genuinely taking the time to slow down and focus on a particular problem or concern our partner has, can save us countless arguments, hours of discomfort, and show overall that we are a more responsive, attentive individual. Ultimately the manner in which situations like these are handled separates hands on people from hands off people, but in a relationship it doesn’t pay to be anything but proactive. 

The bottom line – these are all things that can be worked on, improved, and usually resolved. These are relatively ‘good’ problems to have, but...

If you feel there is more negativity than positivity in your relationship, get out–

If you feel emotionally drained after spending time with your partner all the time, get out–

If you start to make excuses for your partner’s behavior to your friends and family, get out– 

And that’s that. What do you think? Comment below.

Thanks for reading!

Teaching young people the value of money is one of the hardest, but most important things a parent or teacher will ever have to do. I have found that teens tend to make the same mistakes when it comes to their personal finances almost universally. And so, I will attempt to address a few of those common issues below and offer a solution, if not at least some suggestions on resolving those issues.

Money can be both an empowering thing for teens – giving them independence and increased mobility – as well as a dangerous liability. The habits teens develop in respect to their personal finances will carry on into their adult lives, both the good and the bad. This is one of the many reasons it is important to understand the ins and outs of money – earning it, saving it, and spending it – before it’s too late!

1. Personal bank accounts, debit cards, vs. shared accounts with parents.

I am of the opinion that the age to have one’s own personal checking account sits somewhere around 13 or 14. While this may seem young, I think kids need to start feeling the experience of spending their own money (even if it isn’t all earned at the time). They need to experience the feeling of a declining balance and feel for themselves the first intuitions of budgeting. I think there are many great online programs (Mint.com being one), that teens can use to set up budgets, track expenses, and scale all the way up into their adult lives. While parents will probably initially want to set up a subsidiary account for their child off of their own checking account, I somewhat discourage this. Being able to watch what your teen spends money on is nice, but does not build financial trust. If they run out of money with a debit card, they run out of money – credit is not an issue yet.

2. Jobs, Chores, Gift Money, Parent Handouts, Grade Money - All money sources for teens.

While I believe earning money is the most important way to a financially successful future, there are many circumstances where teens will gain money without working for it. For example, when parents give students money for report cards (Argh), and for ‘social expenses’. The important lesson to be learned here is that money, no matter it’s source, should be treated the same. I’ve made this mistake and learned the hard way many times - just because you get money for something ‘on top’ of whatever earnings you already have does not mean you should go out and use it! When it comes to giving teens money, until they’re old enough to have a job, that is 16-17, sometimes 18, there will be definite intervals at which parents will be asked for money and in many cases have to give their kids money. There’s nothing wrong with that, it’s all about how the process is handled by the parent, however, that makes all the difference. Money should never be a hand out, money is transactional in the real world, meaning something must be given in exchange for it. I think scaling the item, service, or action required for it should correlate directly to the age of the teen. For example, an 11 year old may be able to do services you would regularly pay for, a 17 year old may be able to take advantage of a paid internship at your office or work for you in your business.

3. Credit cards, student loans, financing cars – building credit!

Seeing your teen get a credit card may be your worst nightmare, but it is an important part of growing up for them. Instilling proper values about how to treat a credit card (like trying if at all possible to pay it off every month), is definitely important. Teens should start building their credit early on because it sets them up better for car financing, student loans, and other things that could come up like unforeseen emergencies. There are many ways to build credit, and many banks and credit unions offer student cards with better APR and decent introductory offers. Even getting a credit card just to put your gas bills on every month is a good idea because then those successful repayments are reported to the major credit bureaus like Transunion, Equifax, etc. One of the most valuable lessons I have ever heard regarding credit cards is a story about how an entrepreneur I know used to paper clip cash bills to every receipt he received when using his credit card, that way when it came time to pay the bill he already had the money set aside - not a bad idea!

I hope that some of these ideas are useful in enabling your teens to become financially savvy and independent!

Are you really working towards your dreams? What are you doing each day to get yourself one step closer to them? Be honest with yourself -- is what you’re doing right now getting you closer to your dreams or is it pushing them off into the future?

If you answered ‘yes’ and can back yourself up with the reasons why, you are extremely lucky. Most of us? Well, we’re the ones who put things off, who keep on telling ourselves ‘oh I’ll do that tomorrow’, or ‘I don’t have to worry about that until next year’, or ‘I can figure it out when I graduate’.

Uhm, helllloo?!

At what point did you give up on your dreams, on your ideas, on YOURSELF?

When did you start settling?

When did you decide that letting life happen was better than making what you want happen in your life? What dream, what thing, would you try if you knew that there was absolutely no way you could fail? 

So may be you have an idea in mind, but have you acted on it? If not, why haven’t you?

Consider this, if you’re willing to live the next few years of your life like many people won’t, you could end up living the life many people never will. It’s about doing what you have to do so that you can do what you want to do.

All of us have something to contribute, no matter who we are, no matter what other people tell us, and no matter what we ourselves think of us -- we’ve got to give our dreams a chance. And now, while were young, while we don’t have tons of responsibility, we have the ultimate possibility to do just that. 

You will never be able to control everything that happens in life, but you will always be able to control how you react and how you respond. So if you need a day to say that you’re starting over, starting fresh -- today would be that day. Your actions mean infinitely more than your words. So prove them. Prove them to others and prove them to yourself. 

Because you really owe it to yourself to do something great.

What's that thing you've always wanted to do but haven't, that thing you want to share with everyone but are too afraid, that thing you're always putting off for no good reason?

 The end of summer is a natural break in the year for many of us. We're moving out, going off to college, starting a new job, and probably anxious about what is yet to come. Why not make this the year that really counts?

 The year that isn't for someone else, some system, or some institution – why not make it our year?

Change can be hard, sometimes even painful. But if we want to take our lives to new places, it is almost always necessary. It's up to us what we do this year, and it's entirely possible that this could be the year we use to actualize our dreams. The year we decide to turn our talents into a business. Our efforts into a new relationship. Or our dreams into a reality. 

 There's no magic way to accomplish these things, nor is there some specific process that will work for everyone. All of us are nervous; all of us will face challenges – but none of  those things should slow us down, make us quit, or prevent us from reaching for the things we want.

Get Serious About Getting Things Done

Are you really committed to making things happen for yourself? It is so easy to fall into comfortable habits of daily life. Going to class, to work, and hanging out with friends in between. Someone who wants to make their ambitions more than just ambitions must be willing to give up predictability, give up old habits in exchange for stepping way out of their comfort zone. 

Setting clearly defined goals and focusing on one task at a time can help bring you closer to your end result. You'll discover, if you haven't already, that personal accountability is challenging. It takes a great deal of self-discipline to make yourself do what you know you should be doing, even when you have a clearly defined set of things you can work through. It makes sense to ask someone else to hold you accountable to the things you want to accomplish. Whether that person is a mentor, friend, or parent is up to you, just make sure that they are staying on top of their own life and can meaningfully get through to you in a way that will both motivate and push you.   

Time Wasted Now is Time You Won't Have Later

If you're really serious about going for what you want, you'll have to be open to big sacrifices. This means that the time you have now to hang out with friends, go out on Fridays, or relax in front of the TV will need to be seriously cut down. Prioritization needs to become your new hobby. The sacrifices you make now will set you apart from others, give you a leg up in your field, and place you farther along than the majority of people who will be joining your field with less experience and fewer connections down the road. It's not a matter of wanting something – it's a matter of going out and getting it.

Your Peers = Your Support

Surround yourself with people that amaze you. People that make you feel inspired and that genuinely care about the road you're on and where you want to go. The people still in your life after you've chosen to follow a non-traditional path are the ones who really care about you and what it is that you want for your life. These people can help be your support and make a world of difference in how you perceive your success, your happiness, and yourself.

Don't settle for a life of mediocrity, a life that anyone else can have. Take a chance. What have you to lose? 

Teens who are 16 and older can readily obtain some form of retail service or hospitality job. Readily, however, does not necessarily mean that it’s easy. In most states, 16 years marks the age that students can begin working. Of course, they are limited to less hours, certain work conditions, and other state requirements.

Work experience is invaluable though, and in today’s world, having early age work experience is becoming less and less of a defining stand out, and more and more of a common resume booster. Thus, there are several reasons why teens might find it useful and fun to work -- not to mention the financial relief they may provide for their parents given our current economy. 

 1. Getting a job is not as easy as 123.

Although they are low paying and often not very exciting, jobs for teens are at their lowest existence rates in years. Roughly 30% percent of teens are unemployed. (TIME http://ti.me/kUxfmk) 

However, teens because they are less experienced and not usually full-time employees, can save employers significant overhead in a time of tight cash-flow. Teens can capitalize off of this opportunity. Ideally, teens, if they’re able to, should work year around. Summer jobs rarely offer the type of continuity with purpose needed to fully acquaint one with having a ‘real job’. Nevertheless, a summer job, or paid internship, can be an important part of college resumes, practical experience, and oh, learning to be an adult. I typically find that amongst the people I know, less than one quarter of them worked during high school. And when graduation came, many of them went out in a fury looking for jobs. While this may work to a certain extent, having a 3+ year jumpstart over them has helped me deeply in not only the type of positions I am able to field, but the level of confidence I hold in going off to pursue more significant work related ventures.

A job provides structure and places responsibility. Think of it as a way to parent, but where someone else does most of the work for you. The skills picked up as a teen employee will not only set your son or daughter apart in accomplishment, but in maturity and personal fulfillment.

 2. Losing a job is as easy as 123.

Just like losing car or cellphone privileges might be easy for your son or daughter to do, so is losing a job. For the most part, teen jobs are disposable jobs. There are many teens that could fill them, and they take little effort or overhead to replace someone if they are failing to meet the expectations of a specific position. That’s an ego strike for most teens, some of whom may even be fired simply because they were not outperforming someone else. Of course there are laws for the appropriate procurement of labor, but hiring and firing always has and always will carry a bias. 

The earlier one starts a job, the more experience and confidence he or she will have when it comes to holding down a higher paying job that “really does matter”.

3. Jobs are worth the time and commitment for most teens.

I’ve pretended to be the teen job evangelist for the last few paragraphs, but don’t be misled. I say that jobs are important, and they are, but not every teen is ready for the level of responsibility that one carries. And not every parent knows how to adjust their parenting style responsibly to meet the maturity of an employed child. 

The better the job, the more financial independence a teen can earn, the more financial independence a teen has, the more parenting independence they should receive. Yes, you read that correctly. A responsible teen who is working multiple days a week and earning their own money to go out with their friends deserves the right to be able to do so at a greater leisure than previously before. It’s hard, for example, to require a 10 o'clock curfew on your teen, if and when, they have a job that works them past 10 PM four nights out of the week. 

I will leave you with this. As someone who’s friends are all leaving for college this coming fall, I would have wanted their parents to have been able to witness their children functioning as adults on their own. For in three months, in effect, that’s what they’ll be. Yet next to none of their parents have ever seen them successfully carry out this feat. Someone does the laundry for them, or buys their gas, or drives them to and from the movies. They’re still asking their parents for money. 

Parents, how important is a trial run of your teens’ adulthood before they leave for college? They’re success in life just might depend on it.

Life has a masterful way of putting things into perspective for us. No matter how bad things can get, or how good things are right now -- there’s an overriding factor that either carries us through, or drops us into free fall. That factor is different for all of us. For some of us, it’s external, an event going on in our lives or something that has happened. For others, it’s internal, something that has been around for awhile, resurfacing at the worst of times. All of us have something in our lives that holds us back, makes us want to quit, prevents us from being who we could be.

You can’t always know whether you’re making the right decisions or not. Believe me, I wish you could. It would’ve come in handy more than once over the last year. If you’re like me, you might find yourself taking a step back and wondering how you got to where you are now. Whether it’s a good place or a bad place -- where we are now, is a result of our life experiences and how we chose to react to them. It’s the happiness we feel or the shame we hold, it’s the sadness we run from or the affirmation keeping us bold. 

I’m a ‘motivational speaker’, so sure, I’m supposed to tell you this kind of stuff. But don’t think for one second that I haven’t been where you’re at, or faced the same kind of uncertainty. You’re right, you’ve experienced things that I haven’t, and may never. But the same goes for you. And while it’s undoubtedly true that some of us go through worse things than others, that should never be something we use to keep others at a distance. Nobody’s life is perfect.

You’re more than the choices that you’ve made, you’re more than the sum of your past mistakes, you’re more than the problems you create.

In hindsight, everything is easier to look back upon and say ‘so what’ to. It’s getting to that point that’s harder than messing up in the first place. And that’s why it’s so easy to give up. But giving up means giving up on yourself, it also means giving up on everyone who cares about you and who wants to see you happy. If you’re alive, you have a purpose. If you think that no one cares, I will bet against you time after time. You have made a difference in someone’s life, you may not realize it, but you have, and it's because of that difference that someone is in a better position today than they were before. Do not let others down just because you’re afraid of falling short. You’ll let them down and fall short.

Why are you doing this?

Whether you’re your own problem, or whether you’ve been going down the same path for too long and know it isn’t leading you in the direction you want to go, ask yourself, why are you doing it? Is there a greater purpose to your actions or are you on a road to nowhere? 

Realistically, what can you do to make things better -- right now. Who can you go to for advice? Determine the changes you can start with now and use them to build into something new. 

Who are you doing it for?

Are you seeking to please those who care about you, or seeking to please people so that they care about you?

The people who deserve you are the people who care about you and have your best interest in their decision making. Your family, your friends, and people who have gone out of their way to make a difference in your life are those people. When you surround yourself with those people, and build up those relationships, you have the strength to give yourself to others.

Does it really matter?

It’s easy to get lost in the details. Every once and awhile you have to come up for air, you have to look at things from the big picture. Where you’ve been and where you’re headed. Who you choose to bring with you and what you choose to do along the way should reflect your values and your moral purpose, not anyone else’s. Being grounded is a vitally important aspect of being authentic towards others and yourself.

If you read, watch, or hear something empowering you’ll probably have a tiny window afterwards where you’re left with a feeling of inspiration -- a moment where you can either be a self-cynic or get up and do something about your insecurity. Maybe after reading this you’ll have that feeling, maybe you won’t. If you don’t, I’m telling you right now to get up and do something. You’re losing out if you don’t. Trivialize it all you want, it doesn’t matter to me.

Every teen is insecure about themselves and their future. I sure as heck am at times. But I think it holds you back, I think sometimes you can be your biggest barrier. In my opinion, thinking about how things “could be” or “should be” is the wrong way to think about things. You’re placing a limiting factor on when you can make a change to your life. Everything you are, everything you want to become, and everything you can become doesn’t start in the future, it starts when you want it to.

1. If it’s not now, it IS never. 

Insecurities are a game you’re losing in your mind. If you’re going to win, you’re going to have to trick yourself into thinking you will win. You can push something off for as long as you like. Your loss. Your discomfort. Believe me, being angry is a good thing. I hope this post makes you angry. Set up a new game against your insecurities. Right now you’re either like, “The author of this post is delusional” or “He sounds stupid”, I don’t care, but evidently you do. How badly are you willing to disprove to yourself that you’re powerless, that you’re incapable of changing who you are in order to wake up tomorrow without the heaviness of being helpless. There’s a winner and there’s a loser. The worst part is they’re the same person -- you. The only difference between the two is how you react. You can’t control what happens to you, and it’s sometimes even harder to control your own thoughts. So quit trying to and start controlling your response. Use your insecurity to fuel your drive to be stronger, better, independent. 

2. Don’t expect instantaneous change. Do expect Change.  

Insecurities are perceived. Perceiving unrealistic things is a bad habit. It’s like imagining there’s a glass door in front of you when there’s not. It’s just awkward. Overwriting bad habits is only easy to do if you have new habits to replace the bad ones with. You need to identify what the bad habits are and determine what you will use to substitute. This can be as trivial or as serious as you make it to be. If you train yourself to say “Pluck” every time you’re about to curse you’re going to sound like a fool, but you’re going to remember it every time you almost curse. Try it. Then when it’s working, for everyone’s sake, get a better word. You have patterns of behavior that you know well. You know when those patterns begin to conform into the beginnings of a series of negative thoughts or bad habits. Knocking those thought processes requires you to create new ones. If you’re insecure about your body, and the feelings start with you seeing a plate of food placed in front of you -- shift your thinking from that point onwards. No matter how badly you want to fall into your comfort zone, force yourself out of it. You should be as uncomfortable as you’ve ever been. And if you’re not, more power to you.

Admittedly, I often think I’ve got it all figured out. Well, I obviously don’t, but what worries me is when teens don’t at least try to figure things out. How many of us are really content with our lives? I’ll bet fewer of us than we’d like to admit. So if you thought this article was pointless, or you disagree, that’s all I can really hope for. The fact that you spent time reading it shows me you were trying to figure it out. 

People attribute others’ success to many things: luck, opportunity, may be even something as gimmicky as “The Secret”. While things like existing wealth and good connections can help give you a leg up in life -- there’s a common denominator that almost every successful person I’ve talked to shares -- be it in their work, family, or relationships.

They’re one of a kind communicators. 

As teens, we’re always trying to find a way to advance ourselves. Whether it be interpersonally, relationship wise, or just in a general social way. Unlike adults, we’re often energized to take risks for what we want. We’re more resilient -- and we’re less likely to quit if what we do doesn’t go our way first time around. These are our best qualities. These qualities though, they mean nothing if we’re not pairing them with equally awesome communication skills.

1. Great communication is learned, not innate. 

Ever watch a TV show and wonder how the girl or guy always knows the perfect line to say? Rarely is that the case in real life. Sometimes it’s a lack of confidence that interferes with our abilities to be catchy on the spot, other times, it’s because well, let’s be honest we just don’t know what to say! Television is scripted. Even reality TV. The great part about life is it’s not. Or at least it shouldn’t be. Having a trained response to being able to work well in all situations is just that, trained. It’s having an innumerable amount of conversations with people you don’t know well, it’s listening carefully and posing thoughtful responses, and it’s learning how to adjust your conversational skills to best fit the person you’re conversing with. Televangelists, the Sham-Wow guy, politicians, they’re all great communicators. So much so that we often lose track of our senses and begin to listen to what they’re telling us whether or not we actually agree with it. Effective communication doesn’t have to hypnotize people (although that may help) it merely has to be structured. I’m someone who likes to be straightforward with whatever I’m asking about, whether that’s for a favor or a privilege. I think the combination of being direct and honest will gain you credit for being someone who doesn’t sugarcoat things, or dance around an issue that could risk making you come off as inauthentic in your concern. State your intentions clearly -> follow through. 

2. Think about people who always seem to get what they want...

You know exactly who these people are. Sometimes they’re friends of yours. The kids with the push over parents, or the people who always wind up getting elected to ASB, voted for prom queen/king, etc etc. It’s easy to write off their “popularity” and people skills as just high school hype, but as you go out and work with the rest of the world, you’ll find these people still exist. They’re not getting help from their parents anymore either. And so this concept got me thinking, what was it that was making them so successful with others? I believe it’s their ability to communicate. They’re ability to captivate, market themselves, and sometimes even mesmerize all at once. They have an uncanny ability to make an impression on you and leave the conversation five minutes later with you feeling like you’ve known them a lot longer than you have. Confidence + substance + eloquence will likely make you stand out amongst even a large group of people. The one’s who get the attention are never the ones fighting for it. Always remember that. As far as your persona goes, you’ve got to bring with you more than just an interest in talking. People are instantly more likely to gravitate towards those who project their lives around themselves. There’s two ways to do this -- a right way, and a VERY annoying way. The first way will make people want to know more about you, think of it as a way of getting people to think talking to you is worth their time. The second way is the way every “it” girl in high school accomplishes this -- by being the center of attention (for %10) of the school. Pick your choice. 

3. Communication is multi-faceted: verbal, body language, contextual, reputation. 

Let’s break it down...

Verbal: Articulation needn’t mean being a Toastmaster, no definitely not. In fact I think the more wrote you are the more boring you are to listen to. Work your natural quirks. You never know who will end up liking them. (Yes I did just play off of that always smile thing you never know who’s falling in love with it. Yuck.) 

Body Language: Is EVERYTHING. I cannot stress that enough. The way you carry yourself, present yourself, dress -- they all make up your presence. You can either be defining or you can be lost in the crowd. Confidence is not only associated with the way you speak to others, but also the way you present yourself. I could go on and on about this, but I think perhaps the best thing to do is to just be aware of it. The next time you go out, put it on your mind every once and awhile, how am I walking, up-straight or slumped, are my hands uninvitingly across my chest or are they causally in my pockets or at my sides. 

Contextual: Let’s face it. If you’re at a Chuckie Cheese’s picking up that hot girl next to you is going to be a bit challenging. Or maybe not. Maybe she’s desperate. But really, you have to consider where you are. Sometimes the environment around you prevents the type of conversation you’re hoping to have. There’s a reason people aren’t creative at the office and so they go outside (or more often than not a Starbucks). I think keeping the context of what you’re trying to get across communicatively should be equally matched with the environment you’re in. Sometimes that party environment is perfect for being able to get to know someone better, sometimes it’s not and that person is distracted by someone else. Being in the right environment makes or breaks the conversation. If you have to, change the environment, move -- there’s no harm in trying.  

Reputation: If you have a reputation for being boring, you’re going to have to shake that. Most likely with something significantly daring enough that you can break the mold already cast around you. Don’t be someone your not. Be someone you want to be. Chances are if you’re looking for ways to improve your communication you’re not being who you want to be right now as it is. Change starts with you. 

4. Sometimes saying less is more.

Nobody likes that person that talks and talks and talks (I would know, it’s usually me). Listening is invaluable, and really shows people that you care about what they have to say, their opinions, and their views. It also pays off later when you want to be clever and jump back to things they’ve previously said. This goes right in line with being observant. I promise you this skill WILL help you immensely. Whether it’s at work with a boss who will appreciate you’re attentiveness and willingness to make things happen, or with a guy or girl you’re trying to impress. But don’t take that last piece of advice. Wait what?

Hope this helps. Michael. 

 There is a youth sub-culture, defined not only by its systematic hostility to dominant culture, but also by its emotional manifestation of seldom expression. Today’s culture and social environments are riddled with countless negative agents. Amongst these agents are things like bullying, school stress, sex, peer pressure, family issues -- the list goes on. Psychological disorders, environmental stressors, and genetic predispositions all contribute negatively to the development of many adolescent minds. The above agents are merely that of the environmental stressors. If we assume most students endure them at times or during an on and off basis, the combinatory factors of even just psychological disorders or genetic predispositions, let alone both, often easily culminates to manifest itself in the forms of teen depression, anxiety, and other various social problems.

Clinicians and self-help books offer a particular insight and way of addressing these issues. However, as well all know, the best medicine is not treatment, but prevention. Teens are their own best weapon against falling victim to depression and social anxiety. And while particular atmospheres can be either destructive or conducive to different mental states, teens have a great deal of control over their own perception of the world they live in. This might just be their most vital weapon in battling adolescence, because what teens cannot control nearly as well, is their perception as others see it. 

1. There is a psychological spectrum within teens that is not openly discussed. 

This spectrum is where a particular line of thinking exists. It consists of the “Why are things like this?” questions. Why can’t things be a certain way? Why does my dad hit my mom? Why doesn’t she like me? Why can’t I make friends? Why am I so terrible at everything I do?

Speaking as a teen, we have, in our mind, a series of almost constant thoughts that are a projection, or a rather representation, of how we wish things could be. Whether it be wishing we scored higher on a particular test, or that someone we really like text us back. We’re still learning the fundamentals of social interaction, we haven’t yet really learned the value or the consequences of certain types of speech and interactions. For all of these reasons and more, it isn’t that teens don’t think before they act, it’s that they don’t construct well, contingency in social disputes, relationships, or the weight of certain responsibilities. To say that teens are simply care-free and disinterested in bettering themselves or the world they live in is naivety at its worst. Teens are often misunderstood by their parents, family, and other loved ones, but more so they’re categorized as “just being teenagers”. A dangerous assumption on the part of adults when a teen could be suffering internally from something worse than unrequited love. 

It has been proven through numerous studies that depression is less severe and less frequently endured by those who have a higher quality relationship with even one individual versus a number of “acquaintances”. Thus, the severity and frequency of depressive episodes amongst teenagers is directly correlated to the quality of friendships, not necessarily the number of friends themselves. Often it isn’t that a particular teen is “weird” or un-relatable to other teens when it comes to making and keeping friendships, but rather a number of communication barriers that we all are burdened by are more pronounced in some teens. These barriers include things like: Insecurities, worrying about ruining a friendship, talking one’s self out of it, fear of awkwardness, inability to convey meaningful feelings, not being in the right environment, emotionally closing oneself off, not hearing people out, and arguing. 

2. Why does it work so well in movies but not in life?

I’ve asked myself this question countless times, until recently asking myself this question has finally prompted me to attempt answering this question. I’ve decided the reasoning for the absence of movie ending life stories in our own lives are based on a few key factors and many other smaller ones. I will address the key factors accordingly; People lack the ability to choose the right words at pivotal moments; people often lack a distinct drive to make their feelings be known to other parties; People often fail to pick up on non-verbal cues missing important needs for physical affection or emotional reassurance.

You would be very hard pressed to find a teen who doesn’t wish they had someone who truly understood them on the deepest of levels and was also romantically interested in them. In fact, this is probably one of the most dwelled over thoughts by teens. It’s a paradox of sorts, because for teens, and understanding this is important, a romantic connection signifies an empathic enjoinment between two people. Amongst other things, it functions as a social construct and often as a focal point for social interactions.

This understanding sheds an important light on depression, in particular severe depression with side-affects consisting of self-harm, suicidal thought, and feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness. You see, to really understand depression, you have to come from not the level that is manifested as positive symptoms on the surface, but rather the negative symptoms in the individuals inner thought. (Positive symptoms are those which are outwardly displayed, signs of sadness, withdrawal from social settings etc. Negative symptoms are those that are unpronounced and are confined within psychological levels.) People love pain, but even more they have a need to share that desire for pain with others. In fact, often the most intimately connected people share depressive tendencies, and in some severe cases are only closely united because of an “illusory system of support” that they provide for each other. When in actuality, this can often bring both individuals down to lower points and to more severe levels of depression and anxiety that becomes dangerous to both parties health.

3. What the professionals say and concluding remarks.

It has been estimated that there are over 400 approaches to mental health treatment (Kazdin, 1994). With so many different opinions, there are some common and reoccurring themes. Aaron Burke established that in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, “maladaptive behavior us assume to result from individuals belief systems and ways of thinking rather than from objective conditions”, of course this has a certain element of truth in many cases of depression. Likewise, “the social support that members [in groups] can provide each other is one of the most beneficial aspects of group therapy, and attendance at group therapy is often used to augment individual psychotherapy” (Gazzaniga & Heatherton 2003). While antidepressants, (most often selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors today) offer a certain guarantee of relief, but can be accompanied with dependency and a gradual disaffection. Of course there are many other methods for treating depression, and many teens experience bouts of depression without ever undergoing treatment for them.

It is my hope that parents and adults begin to see the seriousness of teen depression, including the warning signs listed below, and vow to help the teens in their lives.  

These symptoms may indicate depression, particularly when they last for more than two weeks: 

-Poor performance in school

-Withdrawal from friends and activities

-Sadness and hopelessness

-Lack of enthusiasm, energy or motivation

-Anger and rage

-Overreaction to criticism

-Feelings of being unable to satisfy ideals

-Poor self-esteem or guilt

-Indecision, lack of concentration or forgetfulness

-Restlessness and agitation

-Changes in eating or sleeping patterns

-Substance abuse

-Problems with authority

-Suicidal thoughts or actions

There is so much to be said on this topic, and this article merely provides an outline of some of my current thoughts. I would encourage you to reach out and contact me if you wish to discuss any of what I said in a more conclusive or in depth matter. Teen depression and severe anxiety is not a passing mood. It’s of the utmost concern for myself, and should be considered as something very real and detrimental by all who care about the physical and mental well-being of teens.

Unfortunately, it’s not. There’s no class to teach us about life. We only have our own mistakes, experiences, and successes to learn from.

For a long time I’ve been thinking about writing a post that tries to sum up what life has taught me, led me to believe, and challenged me with. However, I don’t think there’s any way to capture all those thoughts entirely. Needless to say, this is my attempt at describing some of the bigger ones.

Trust

I feel like trust isn’t about people keeping your secrets. Sure that may be part of trust. But for me trust is in people’s actions towards myself and others. When someone trusts you that means you should be looking out for them in their best interest. Not yours. Trust isn’t selfish and trust shouldn’t be one sided. Anyone who says you can trust them, but thinks differently, isn’t being honest with you or themselves. 

It’s often hard to trust people. Perhaps people we’ve trusted in the past have hurt us or lied about their trust in us. But for all of us, whether we like it or not, trust is the unit that connects us to each other. Because to trust someone else completely means letting your guard down and being open to the risk of being betrayed. If wedon’t place our trust in people, we live in a very lonely and artificial world. We can’t do everything on our own, believing that we can would be one of the biggest traps we could fall into. We need other people’s help for so many things. And we have to trust them to help and support us when we don’t know what to do. We have to try and trust the right people. We have to watch their actions towards us and others, always trying to see if they match what they say to us. Who are the people ready to jump in and help when a decision is unpopular, unsupported, or misunderstood? Our trust should lie in the people who try to help us even before we come to them for help, because they recognize the need, and they’re doing it voluntarily out of care. It starts with you.

All of us like to make up reasons in our mind why we can’t act a certain way towards someone or say what we wish we could. This is the worst place to be. Thinking like this forces us to be someone we’re not, to hide how we feel, or to say things we don’t mean. Imagine if you’re doing this, just how many other people probably are too. So much for being real. If all of us act this way, and we all do at times, ourrelationships with other people are built on things untrue to ourselves. It might work in high school, it may even work in real life, but it won’t work when you realize there’s no one to whom you can turn to who understands your real beliefs and passions for living.

Personal Life

I consider this the foundation for all my interactions in life. The quality of your personal life depends on the health of your relationships with your friends, boyfriend or girlfriend if you have one, and family. When things aren’t right at these levels, it’ll affect everything else you do, whether you’re conscious of it or not. 

This is the part we all mess up on. The closer a person is to you the easier it is to hurt them. And we don’t expect to be hurt by someone we’re close to, so when it happens, it makes it that much worse. There’s usually a common denominator to the problems that arise in our personal lives. Usually a communication break down of some sort is the reason. So why is this? Most of us don’t like confrontations. We go about our lives trying to avoid asking the hard questions or dealing with the uneasy answers. And in turn, we just make it worse for ourselves. I’m guilty of this as much as anyone else is. It’s so easy to avoid dealing with the difficult conversations, decisions, and problems life throws at us. Instead, we push it off or tell ourselves it’ll just work out on its own, and sometimes it does, but rarely the way we wish it had. Often it’s not even as big of a deal as it seems. Being happier starts with facing those issues first. If you make this a habit, people will respect you for it. There doesn’t always have to be a negative side to everything, some things you should just give a chance.

Public Life

Heard of the phrase “keeping up appearances”? It’s what most of us do. Until the last couple of years I was relatively ignorant to this fact. It wasn’t until more recently, particularly when the economy became the train wreck that it is, that I realized just how many people will do what ever they can in order to preserve their perceived status. Whether it’s leasing cars just to drive the latest BMW, or buying expensiveclothes to fit in with the crowd and then not having enough money for food. It’s really pathetic when you think about it. We place a gross value on material items and we’re all guilty of it at times. 

Now, I’ve come to realize that the nature of being a public speaker, and a consultant to various clients has created a polarized audience for myself. What do I mean by this? As I’ve written more content for various websites, spoken in front of more people, and worked to mobilize more individuals in their personal businesses, the feedback I receive is directly correlated to my level of authenticity. When I play down the middle, careful not to offend anyone, or point out why I think my opinion is better than another, I typically don’t receive any negative feedback. But I also don’t receive any really awesome feedback. When you act in a way that isn’t true to values, in order to avoid offending anyone, you lose the characteristic beliefs that make you real to others. By no means am I saying should try to offend people with your opinions, but playing it neutral on everything won’t get you recognized. Be decisive about your beliefs, and smart about your decisions -- most importantly, make them all count.

Chasing after popularity doesn’t bring it to you. The most sought after peoplereached that point by their own actions and personality. It does you no good to try and be like someone else. If you’re looking to gain a following, that’s the worst way to go about it. But really, you shouldn’t be trying to gain a following. Support and admiration will come with a reputation for being a person of integrity and a defining personality. It may not always work this way in high school, or in some social settings, but in the grand scheme of things it does. No one can effect change in other people’s lives, or their own for that matter, unless they’re self-driven.

The Big Picture

Time is more scarce than you think. Don’t waste it wishing things were different or that things had played out the way you wanted them to. Get out there and make your life what you want it to be. Maybe your grades aren’t what you wish they were. So what. Are you going to let that determine the quality of your last year in high school?

Have you ever been in a state of introspection? It’s amazing the impact experiences can have on us. If we’re lucky enough sometimes we can feel at one - like everythingcould be perfect if even only for a minute. We all know what changes would need to be made in order for us to enjoy our life more. Those things we wish we knew how to say to others, they’re so easy to think about, yet so difficult to act upon. 

So here’s my challenge for you, stop using those same old excuses. Stop finding reasons not to do that thing you want to do. Stop thinking about what could go wrong before it even does. 

Why? Because your life, your happiness -- it’s all determined by you.

Back to school is the often the craziest and most hectic time of the year. This is true for both students and parents. There are many reasons for this. There are new classes to adjust to, sports programs kicking up, and logistics to work out. Once things settle into a routine sometimes they become much easier and manageable. Below are some quick tips to help you deal with back to school stresses – on the family, kids, and of course, yourself.

1. Use a family calendar so everyone knows when and where others will be places.

There are a lot of good options for calendars aside from a traditional paper calendar. You might want to invest in a whiteboard calendar that can be posted in the family room or kitchen. Better yet, if your kids are older, set up a Google calendar that all the family members can sync to with their phones and computers. We forget when we say we’re going to write down something when we get home, or after setting up a phone call or meeting with someone in the coming weeks. It’s obvious we all use calendars, but very few people effectively use collaborative calendars to determine the availability of others and when they are responsible for being some place or if they can schedule their own plans at the time. This will work wonders for deciding who gets the car, the ride, or when someone is required to be present at a particular function. Like back to school night for example…

2. Be aware of what phase of the “social realm” you kids are entering into next.

This isn’t as big of a factor with younger children or younger grades, but if your children are entering into junior high, high school, or becoming juniors in high school, there will undoubtedly be some changes you should expect.

Entering into junior high the cliques and social groups become very apparent. Kids will do whatever it takes to earn their “rank” of popularity within the group. Expect kids to start hanging out more on their own at the local mall or theater and want to be allotted
their own alone time with friends. This can feel like your kids are trying to distance you rapidly, and they are. Junior high is is a huge phase where insecure self perception runs rampant.

By the time kids reach high school they feel like they’re independent minded individuals who know how to lead their own lives. This is true with some, but not with most.

You’ll find teens will claim to be able to do something on their own, but then come running back to you do handle something they were unsure about, or something they overlooked. This is because teens don’t have very great contextual thinking. Be patient, but also know when to give them that push, “figure it out”.

Junior year, almost everyone is or can drive. As a parent this is your worst nightmare, but at the same time, once you let go of your fears, you will enjoy your teen being able to transport himself or herself places that you will find yourself unhappy if you have to drive them yourself. Most states have a law that only permits teens to drive by themselves and be home by a curfew (usually 11 pm) for one year after they’ve received their license. Know that the latter of which you can enforce, the former of which no teen will probably ever 100% strictly adhere to. Your previous parenting track record will determine how well your teens listen to the law and your guidance. By senior year, kids are one year away or less from becoming an adult, not to mention less than a year away from college. At this point it’s too late to try and be controlling, curfews legally are gone, so try to set something reasonable (12 AM maybe?). Make sure you build up trust with your teen, asking him to call when he’s going places, but not expecting that he or she is always going to ask rather thank simply calling to let you know where they are. Teens move from house to house, restaurant to mall, etc.

3. Sweat the big stuff, not the small stuff.

Big things are likely to happen again, for example if your teen tells you they’re spending the night at “Rachel’s” house, and instead you find out they spent the night at “Peter’s” house, figure out why your teen had motive to lie first, then assess whether or not you could be doing something differently to make communication more transparent between yourself and your teen. If however, your child comes home 10 min after curfew, you can probably assume they were racing home to get there by the time you stated anyways. Don’t assume then that they aren’t intending to respect your curfew. Perhaps instead, give them a warning, and suggest that they leave earlier and tell them sometimes they should leave at from various locations in order to make it home safely and on time.

Have a great year!

“I want you to play this sport, I want you to take that class, you need to get an A on those tests”. STOP. You’ve heard it from almost everyone...parents, coaches, peers -- people always telling you what you should or shouldn’t be doing. What they ‘think’ is in your ‘best interest’. But you know what, whose life are you living? Because if you’re letting all those thoughts and intentions that other people have for you become your thoughts and intentions, well, you’re living their life. That’s lame.

Seriously though, when was the last time you did something because someone thought it would be good for you to do? And when was the last time you said no because you just didn’t care about it at all? Those piano lessons you’ve been taking for 5 years, you know... the ones you hate. Quit ‘em. The load of AP classes you’re taking to keep impressing your parents, the same one’s that are making you miserable because you’d rather be taking courses that are actually relevant to what you want to do in life, yeah drop them. 

But, no you don’t understand, if I stop doing those things people will be angry, I won’t get into college, and my life will suck! No. I do understand. I understand that the longer you do something that doesn’t feel right to you, the harder it will ever be to do the thing that is right for you. And the longer you wait, the more you’ll miss out on your plan for you.

So stop living someone else’s life for you, and start living your life for you. It doesn’t mean becoming a high school drop out, no definitely not. But it could mean dropping those classes you don’t need to take, and signing up for those classes you’re passionate about. Don’t like music theory? Drop it. Like photography, but aren’t taking it because everyone says it’s useless? Prove them wrong by learning how to take photos professionally. 

You only live once, so at no point should you be living in a way that’s only purpose is to satisfy the desires of others. Be smart enough to see the big picture, and not just the here and now, understand that the choices you make in school, in choosing friends, and with parents will continue to make an impact on your future. So don’t lose the chance to make the right ones while you still can. 

--Michael

As you are probably noticing, recently I have been featuring a few new names on my website -- these are people who have helped me learn and grow as a young entrepreneur, without them, I would not be where I am today.  

Today I want to introduce Patti Handy. Patti is the creator of Teenscashcoach.com She is the author of “How To Ditch Your Allowance and Be Richer Than Your Parents” and an expert speaker on financial literacy for teens. 

 “Money expert Patti J. Handy delivers the must-read book for all teenagers and young adults ready to be empowered with the tools to make them money-smart, money-responsible, and money-independent.”

 I can say first hand after working with her that she is an extraordinary “money expert”. Patti has designed curriculum sets and DVD sets for both parents and educators to empower their teens with money “smarts”. She has developed a proven program to build the foundation and create self-reliance and financial success. Patti developed a business bootcamp called “A Millionaire in the Making-The Biz Building Bootcamp for Teens™” .

Recently, Patti has begun a licensing program for her bootcamp, and I highly recommend you check it out, whether you’re a parent looking for a way to give back to the educational community where your children go to school, or whether you are someone working in a youth conference who would like to incorporate these resources into part of a larger program, the children involved will truly benefit. 

Take it from Patti... 

"In this bootcamp, teens design a business that they love, learn about marketing, websites, business plans, networking, money management and so much more. They walk out with a way to generate money immediately and are empowered with the money smarts to make that cash work for them. Teaching teens how to be “self reliant and financially successful” is my mission and I’d like to extend this opportunity to you as well."

 

See her video on the license program...

Patti is a tremendous resource for financial education and I hope that you find her financial literacy curriculum and programs to be of great value for the young adults in your life!

--Michael

I am very excited to have partnered with Vanessa Van Petten for guest authoring!

Vanessa Van Petten travels the country speaking to all types of groups about family relationships, teen lifestyles, advertising to Net-Generation and many other issues pertaining to Gen Y. She also gives keynote and inspirational speeches. Her website RadicalParenting.com received over 120,000 unique visitors last month and is ranked in the top %0.11 on Technorati! Buy her book "You're Grounded" on Amazon!

By Vanessa Van Petten

Here are the top five values parents list when thinking about raising children:

1. Happiness
2. Ambition
3. Leadership
4. Kindness
5. Success

Three of the top five values—ambition, leadership and success all boil down to one intrinsically human characteristic: motivation. In order to be ambitious, a good leader and successful at whatever we do we must be motivated to do it.

Yet, how do we encourage motivation in our teens and in ourselves? I believe this is one of the hardest lessons to adopt. Here are the principles I use to keep this slippery value:

1. Efficiency is Our Greatest Gift

Efficiency and productivity are the best motivators. Often times when I am working with teens or trying to get myself to do something I have been dreading, I pick a activity to start with that makes me feel motivated and productive. That way it is much easier to be motivated about the activity I do not like. This works in life as well. If you are unmotivated to make a change, start a project or finish a goal, start with one you can do and feel good at.

2. Recognize Weak Points

Motivation is fleeting and can often slip through your fingers at the slightest trigger. This is especially in important when it comes to homework and grades. If you know that the second your brother comes in or turns on the TV your motivation to finish studying evaporates, remove the stimulus or trigger. Thinking through times when you have lost motivation and then identifying what caused it can help you avoid those triggers in the future.

3. Don’t Push It

There are things you have to push through to find motivation to finish—paying bills, doing math drills, studying for the SAT (if you like these things more power to you!). But, I find many people pick activities or projects they do not really enjoy, but think they ‘should’ do. Of course they are unmotivated to do them—they don’t really love it. If you can help it, pick goals and projects you love so motivation does not feel like a push, but a pleasure.

4. Utilize Easy Times

We all have times when studying or completing projects is easier. I am more productive in the morning. I have found when I go out late and sleep until ten or eleven in the morning I have a very unproductive day. I work hard to motivate myself to work during the easy times not the harder ones. Motivating yourself at night when you are not a night person is doubly hard. Take advantage of the times when you know you are already more motivated.

Motivation is not a value you can ‘achieve,’ it comes and goes and must be worked at. Practicing these tips will help you be a better leader, have more ambition and success—which your parents and most people want very much.

I have included a short video about Vanessa's work.

Bullying that takes place over the internet, how can that be? Can’t you just close out of the window or sign off? These are the attitudes so commonly taken by parents and educators today. Even some teens themselves fail to understand the implications of Cyber Bullying. Cyber Bullying reaches deeper than just online verbal harassment. The nature of the internet allows for an entire audience of people to watch it happen. Cyber Bullying need not even specifically involve the victim in direct communication. So whereas verbal or physical bullying in a school setting is often directly aimed at an individual, Cyber Bullying can impose an equal if not greater trauma from anywhere, around the clock, and with a crowd of onlookers. 

Take this example. A kid, Zack, at his high school has rumors that are being spread about him amongst the class body. As if having everyone at your school think you’re a loser and you have problems isn’t enough, he arrives home that night only to logon to the internet and find that it has spread to the online world. He logs into his Formspring to find he has 10 new questions, “Dude...I heard you’re gay!?”, “Haha mannn and I thought you were an okay kid, I can’t believe you cheated on her!”, and “You know life really sucks when people can’t even say your name without thinking GAY!!” amongst others. Next he checks his Facebook, all over his wall are comments from people who he thought were his friends, making fun of him and dissing everything about him. Even a new Facebook group was formed, “Join if you think Zack’s a Fag!”. It currently has 47 members, all of whom are on his “friends list”, some of whom he doesn’t even know. He logs into Myspace, thirty minutes ago a bulletin was posted, “10 Reasons Zack Sucks”. He turns his computer off. He’s getting text messages on his phone now too. Zack doesn’t know what to do, what can he do, his reputation is destroyed, his “friends” turned against him. What was a gross rumor made up by an ex-girlfriend has now completely ruined his life.  Now you see what a potent and vile affect Cyber Bullying can have. 

This story may sound extreme, but somewhere, it has happened. Every day an estimated 200,000 kids stay home from school, for one reason, they can’t face the pain. Here’s what you need to know about stopping Cyber Bullying if this happens to you or someone you care about.

1. Recognize the Signs

Obviously if you’re the victim of Cyber Bullying you know it. For parents, friends, and family however, sometimes it can be more difficult to gain an insight into a teens life, especially online. Look for any drastic changes in behavior, specifically, more than normal mood swings. Watch for any signs that suggest hesitation in going to school or no longer going to social events. After a teen has tried long enough to get themselves out of the situation and it hasn't worked, they will begin to shut down. They might ditch school, and in some cases teens will refuse to go to school but not give a clear cut reason to their parents. This should be a blatantly obvious sign something out of the ordinary is wrong. Teachers play an instrumental part in this process as well, often times teachers hear things and disregard them as normal teenager things. When something has gotten to the point that it’s being discussed around a teacher, it has already been circulating around the student body for some time and is no longer an issue that can be overlooked. 

2. Tell the authorities if it’s seriously abusive and or illegal (e.g. Threats)

 As much as you don’t want to, you need to get help. Depending on where the source of abuse is coming from, you either need to contact your ISP or the network that the bullying is happening on. In the scenario I described above, you would want to take screen shots and record all conversations, messages, and comments that you have on your profiles because as soon as word gets out you’ve said something, people will start deleting their content. You need to send this material to the abuse email addresses that social networks provide you with on their websites. If it’s over SMS or email you should contact your ISP and let them start action against the user. Likewise, if it’s over a phone related service, call your wireless provider and they can initiate action against the offender as well. If you’ve done these two things and either the problem continues to get worse or is not resolved in a week or less, invoke the help local law enforcement. Call the police (Non-emergency number) and ask to be connected to their cyber crime or hate crime division. Tell them everything and provide them with the evidence you’ve collected.

3. Do not engage the aggressors

It’s not a fist fight. So don’t try and fight back. You’ve heard it a million times, that will only show that it’s getting to you and entice the aggressor. Believe it or not, it will also give the aggressor additional ammunition to work with in further bullying. The nice thing about the internet is you can ignore abuse without anyone knowing you really are. At school try your best to brush things off, even if you’re breaking down inside, staying strong at this time will prove extremely advantageous to you now and later on.

4. Do not try to do things to clear your name initially

You’ve already lost in the social world. Don’t try to counter the abuse you’re receiving with different abuse or rumors directed at those who are attacking you. Denying things only works so well and after a point if you continue to show that it’s a big deal, your credibility as a truth telling victim becomes greatly diminished.

5. If the problem still persists, consider taking all your affected accounts offline

Some ISP’s are not that effective in stopping online bullying, especially if it is on a social network. If you have contacted the social network’s abuse center, contacted local law enforcement, and your ISP, and the problem still persists, take your accounts offline. It may seem like surrender, but you need to remove from the internet the breeding ground that people are using to attack you.

Everyone needs to be aware of the severity of Cyber Bullying. I hope this has helped you in your life, if not at least made you aware of what’s going on out there with other teens.

Vince shared with me some of the key aspects within NFEC. The first one I would like to emphasize is the program’s amazing Money XLive Events. Money XLive is a full production financial education event that resembles an MTV award show.  They bring celebrities, athletes, live bands, DJs and financial education experts in a full concert venue to motivate, educate and move participants to take positive action. Nobody else can put on an event like they do, it’s truly an awesome program.

NFEC Financial Literacy Awareness Campaign from Vince on Vimeo.

Live events deliver significant media exposure, build community goodwill and can generate measurable revenue for all marketing partners involved.  Also for banks and credit unions these events can deliver a true ROI while giving the institution increased local or national exposure. This leads me to my next point, Vince has fully produced and prepared his curriculums and programs to be implemented anywhere at any school or organization. He does this through making available all of the materials needed to host your own “Financial Education Events, Financial Literacy Camps and Workshops”. 

Vince has also developed a financial literacy course specifically for students who want to gain real world financial success through proven strategies and a fundamental understanding of money basics. Everything from debt, building credit, automatic investing, and how to get a head-start on achieving financial security is covered in this course. I would please ask that you check this great course out by visiting “Money Smart Course”.

These events are all about empowering youth through real money experience events. NFEC has been featured by NBC, ABC, and Forbes, amongst many others. Organizations such as Junior Achievement also support NFEC. 

I hope you choose to empower the young adults in your life with the knowledge and experience of money basics early on, so that they may be successful and have financially secure futures.

From the 1980s - 2000s there has been a tremendous amount of advancement within the psychiatric and neuroscience fields. The understanding has enabled clinicians and researchers alike to conclude that the brain enables the mind. It is now well known that the field of cognitive neuroscience is the first and foremost cutting edge psychological science. 

Recently, Dr. Aditi Shankardass, a clinical neuroscientist, gave a TED talk. The talk, entitled “A second opinion on learning disorders”, brought to my attention a fundamental misconception so many clinical studies and for that matter clinical practitioners fall victim to; developmental disorders in children are typically diagnosed by observing behavior, when really, we should be looking directly at their brains. This vital principle is wonderfully illustrated by Shankardass’ work. “She explains how a remarkable EEG device has revealed mistaken diagnoses and transformed children's lives.” Specially, Shankardass’ work with Autism and other disorders like ADHD and Dyslexia are also addressed. 

[Aditi Shankardass] heads Harvard affiliated Bright Minds Institute’s neurophysiology department, [she] has been using this technology for past two years with startling results — almost half the 200 children who arrived at her clinic, previously diagnosed with autism, were in fact suffering from brain seizures, undetectable to the eye, causing symptoms identical to autism. See Link

This is quite a major discovery, and one that isn’t unique to just autism. All too often we see educators, parents, and even clinicians jump to quickly into assuming a child has a learning disability or disorder. Often an adequate understanding of the surrounding context, environment, and past and present performance is overlooked. What presents itself as symptoms of mild to moderate ADHD could easily be a child bored in an oversized class. This isn’t to say ADHD and other disorders don’t exist, quite the contrary, they are very real and there is a very real need to be advancing treatment for them. However, the big picture must be considered, and observation alone is not always enough to provide an accurate depiction of what is actually happening within the brain.

Longitudinal studies will show that 70 percent of individuals diagnosed with ADHD during childhood still meet the criteria used to diagnose them once they have reached adulthood. (Gazzaniga & Heatherton 2003). Likewise, these individuals are also more likely to drop out of school and reach a lower socio-economic level than expected. Treatment therefore, with someone showing legitimacy in core diagnostic criteria is imperative at early ages. If you care about children and you have a direct say in their medical well being, please take note of the following:

 1. True ADD/ADHD symptoms are dramatically noticeable, they also don’t manifest magically in the teen years.

-In accordance with the DSM-IV, “To be diagnosed with ADHD, children should have at least 6 attention symptoms or 6 activity and impulsivity symptoms -- to a degree beyond what would be expected for children their age.”

-Inattention symptoms:

-Difficulty sustaining attention in tasks or play (notable - even things typically enjoyed are affected by true ADD/ADHD)

-Does not seem to listen when spoken to directly

-Does not follow through on instructions and fails to finish schoolwork, chores, or duties in the workplace

-Difficulty organizing tasks and activities

-Often loses toys, assignments, pencils, books, or tools needed for tasks or activities

-Easily distracted (to the point where tasks are not accomplished)

-Often forgetful in daily activities

Hyperactivity symptoms:

-Fidgets with hands or feet or squirms in seat (cannot sit still for any length of time)

-Leaves seat when remaining seated is expected

-Often "on the go," acts as if "driven by a motor," talks excessively

-Difficulty playing quietly

Impulsivity symptoms:

-Blurts out answers before questions have been completed

-Interrupts or intrudes on others (butts into conversations or games)

-Difficulty awaiting turn

Now, it should be obvious that simply having a few of these symptoms with varying degrees of consistency does not constitute for one of these disorders. Rather, 6 of either classification, with persistent and consistent presence of symptoms is grounds for the disorder. ADD and ADHD interrupt life and are blatantly difficult to deal with, they go beyond personality traits and quirks that might include an individual who just doesn’t like to listen or do their homework. Furthermore, some symptoms must be present before age 7. So the child who goes from possessing none of these symptoms to not wanting to do big projects in high school doesn’t meet the requirements.

 2. The treatments for ADD and ADHD have two distinct medically accepted approaches, there are many useless treatment options not supported by the scientific community.

Recent research points towards the highest efficacy rates in regards to ADD and ADHD treatment with a combination of both medication and behavioral therapy. According to clinical studies, “The use of methylphenidate (ritalin) for children with ADHD dramatically reduces negative behaviors while only slightly increasing the amount of positive behavior” (Pelham 1990). While there is evidence to show that children taking these drugs are often more successful in school, happier, and more socially adept, there is also evidence to show these do not seem to be long term benefits, in fact the dissipation rate is often directly correlated with the length of drug use beyond a set point. The National Institute of Mental Health worked to establish the Multimodal Treatment of Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (MTA) in 1992. “Children who received both medication and behavioral therapy showed a slight advantage over those who received only medication in areas such as social skills, academics, and parent-child relations” (Jensen 2001). Elements of behavioral therapy include goal setting, rewards and consequences, and consistent therapy for extended periods of time.

3. Criticisms run deep, and many opinions exist, these you should be aware of...

It doesn’t take an expert to tell you that medication is not a “magic bullet” for mental disorders. While a pill may help relieve the symptoms of a disorder, there must be a foundation for teaching the patient how to cope and deal with the disorder. These patients must be trained to adapt, to think in more effective patterns, and sometimes to adjust to new ways of interacting with others. Psychological, cognitive, and behavioral interventions often address these issues more directly and effectively than medication. Unfortunately, ADHD drugs have been shown to offer up a plethora of side effects, including stunting growth. Additionally, the Washington Post reported in 2009 in a follow up study of MTA that the results showed drugs were not effective after 3 years and posed significant risks. “The stance the group took in the first paper was so strong that the people are embarrassed to say they were wrong and we led the whole field astray," said Pelham, of the State University of New York at Buffalo (Washington Post 2009). Clearly this is an on going debate, and clearly a precisely accurate conclusion might not be reached for some time. It makes sense then that a behavioral approach should be considered before drugs. 

I need to premise this entire post with something, I already wrote it about an hour ago and then accidentally deleted it. So maybe the whole ‘better the second time around’ thing will be true? I sure hope so!

It seems like recently, more so than ever before, everyone seems to be having these conversations about life and their future. Where they are going to go in life and who they will  become one day. Well the truth is, being a teenager, you can’t really know what you will do or where you’ll end up. But that shouldn’t stop you from trying to answer the questions of where you want to go and who you want to become. At this point you can’t have everything figured out and honestly, you shouldn’t. There’s no fun in that. There’s a couple of things though that make being a teenager the best time to try and answer these questions by experimenting with different ideas. First of all, there will never be another time in your life when you aren’t dependent upon yourself for your own support. So whether you have to work anyways or not isn’t even that big of a deal, because you aren’t providing for your whole family. This gives you the freedom to try out your personal goals on a small scale. Experience you gain through doing these things can only be positive, whether the experience itself is negative or positive doesn’t matter, because the end result is still the same, you’re learning about the things you like and don’t like. 

1. Focus on what you’re amazing at, but really.

I think people often fail to do this properly. People under estimate their talents, and over estimate their desire. For example, so many people think about doing something only because it’s what they know. Maybe someone in their family does that job, or they have a friend who’s in the field. They think traditional. If there’s anything I want to convey in this article it’s to stop thinking traditionally, and start thinking passionately. You can attain success doing nearly anything, but you can only attain greatness if you’re 100% invested into what you’re doing. That means you have to more than just like it, you have to be absolutely in love with what you want to. That’s hard. And there will always be points where you question your level of commitment. The important thing to note here is how you do this of course. Think of that thing that people say you’re really good at. It doesn’t have to be a subject in school, but it could be. Maybe it’s listening, or maybe it’s playing the piano. What it is doesn’t matter, but for a large number of people it won’t be a subject, and that’s where the magic is. The way we educate and parent kids today attempts to stick them in a mold. It attempts to find a profession and adapt them to it, rather than adapt a profession to their unique talents and abilities. I promise you, if you don’t fall victim to this strategy you’ll be happier.

You have to think without a template. If you want to go into a profession where you can easily define the path to it, awesome, you’re way luckier than so many other people who struggle to decide what they want to do. They often do because the available opportunities don’t present themselves as clearly or at all as many traditional roles do. If you know you’re not traditional, and you know that you won’t be able to give 100% to something unless it is exactly what you see yourself doing, then don’t settle. Keep reading. Think about people like Kevin Rose (he is the co-founder of Revision3, Pownce, WeFollow and the social-bookmarking website Digg), or Sir Ken Robinson (he is an internationally recognized leader in the development of innovation and human resources), or even Jonathan Ive (the Senior Vice President of Industrial Design at Apple, you know the guy from the iPhone commercials!). But they all share one thing in common, they’re atypical because they don’t feel like what they’re doing is working. They didn’t opt for a clear path, after all, how do you decide you want to one day be known for the best human resource management opinion on the planet? You have to follow the experience granted opportunities that help you get there, but you don’t do that by choosing something you are only OK with doing, you get there by choosing something that leaves you completely driven to find greatness. Now I don’t mean you have to go work for some big company, in fact most big company jobs are boring as could be. But if you know that music is your thing, and simply keeping it on the side as a hobby will only give you so much happiness, then you need to make the decisions that will help turn music into your very being.

 2. Learn to network really darn well. 

I don’t care what it is that you’re doing, whether it’s becoming an insanely great musician or being the doctor that’s head of an oncology research center. The truth is that no one is able to achieve greatness without being able to network. Here’s the cold hard facts; There will always be someone smarter, more intelligent, and who’s been given better opportunities than you. Disregard that. You have a secret weapon. You’re ability to meet people and learn to become a people person will prove more valuable to you than anything else you’ll ever learn in school. Person to person interaction is the fundamental unit of all human existence. Learn to appreciate its complexity and you will already be way ahead of the game. When I say networking I don’t mean swapping business cards with someone or adding them on Facebook and Twitter. I mean learning to listen. You can learn something from everyone, whether it’s something positive, or something they do that you should avoid in your own life. The real heart of success is understanding that all of the people who have been able to defy the odds haven’t really defied the odds at all. They’ve just been people persons. You won’t get very far at all without the support of others. Here are some things you need to remember:

-Learn to respect everyone’s passions no matter how strange they might be

-Desire to gain respect by showing it to others

-Never assume you’re the smartest person, something someone else knows can and will always apply to your life in some way, and you’ll be able to use that to help you later on

-Write everything down or type it out, everything you hear, be a sponge

-Never over promote yourself, I’m guilty of this at times, let your accomplishments and actions speak for themselves, they will

 See, networking isn’t about maximizing the number of connections you have, it’s about building relationships. The world is full of people who short change others, and the people who do that miss out on talent and intelligence. The people who get shortchanged have two decisions, they can give up or give rise with up new determination. 

3. If the bridges aren’t there build them.

You may desire to do something that isn’t supported. Maybe it’s your culture, or even your family who seems to clash with your dreams. Only you know who’s right. It’s either you or them, and if you make the wrong decision you could be losing out on something potentially bigger than either. You could be losing out on yourself. The worst kind of defeat. So how do you know? Trust me, you’ll know. If you have to ask yourself whether or not what you’re doing is really taking you in the direction you should be going, and the feeling persists over time, then chances are, your not. You need to change direction. If there’s not a path to the next milestone, you need to make a bridge to get yourself there. If there’s one thing I’ve learned recently it’s that you have a lot more power than you think to make things happen. You just have to decide how badly you want whatever it is. If you want it bad enough, you’ll figure out how to get it. Sometimes coming up with these strategies are hard, and for those tough times I recommend falling back on people who you know support you. The reality is that you won’t be able to make everyone happy, and someone is always going to think you’re making a regrettable mistake. If it’s not someone in particular, it’ll be you, and I would argue that that’s way worse.

4. Consider the alternative.

Major life decisions are rarely black and white, more often they’re in the grey area. This creates problems because when you find yourself unable to make a decision that takes you down one of two or even many paths, you lose the ability to feel the desired level of confidence in yourself. What you need to do is create criteria upon which you can evaluate potential decisions. In other words you need to establish a universalized approach to decision making. If you have three possible decisions you are considering, and after thinking about them all extensively you still continue to come up with pros and cons for all of them that keep seeming to balance out in your mind, you need to change the rules. One of the best ways to do this is to think down the road, say 6 months to a year depending on the decision that it is you’re making. At this point if the potential outcome of all scenarios still do not seem to be more apparent in terms of their positivity you can look at their negativity. Ultimately at some point you need to make a decision, and most likely you’ll have an inner feeling of which decision is right for you at the time. Making a mistake at some point is inevitable, and in fact can be a very good thing, it helps you refine your decision making for future things. So if you realize that you’ve been studying biology for two years and after those two years all of a sudden you simply don’t have the desire you thought you once had, all is not lost, what ever interests and inclinations led you to biology in the first place, will most certainly lead you to choosing something better.

--Michael

I have wanted to start my public speaking career for some time now, and I can finally do so with the aid of this website and many other marketing projects. 

I would also like to announce my new manager, her name is Kathie Hurley and she has been a tremendous help in setting up my business model. She will continue to serve as brand manager and booking agent for myself and for my clients. 

I look forward to all that there is to come, and I hope to speak with you soon regarding YOUR upcoming event!

Stay Tuned. More to Follow Shortly. 

--Michael

Perhaps one of the biggest influences and limiting factors on teenage dating presents itself as the parents who set the rules for their children before they ever even have their first boyfriend or girlfriend. According to a study conducted by the American Psychological Association, found here, the teen years are what shape an individuals sexuality and romantic interests well into their college years and early adulthood.

“Research with college students suggests that conversations with friends during the high school years was an important source of sex-related information (Kallen, Stephenson, & Doughty, 1983); conversations with best friends has been found to be related to sexual attitudes and behaviors (Lefkowitz, Boone, & Shearer, 2004).”

If this is true, (and it is), then it would seem very counter intuitive to ill-equip todays youth for the world they’re being brought up in. The facts point towards online interaction and personal friendships as the two leading contributors to one’s view on relationships. You may be asking yourself, is the internet really  what is providing “holistic advice on a healthy relationship” to today’s teens? Well it is, and this short but hopefully helpful overview written and presented by myself, will attempt to provide that “holistic advice on a healthy relationship”.

In truth, this presentation will apply to more people than just teens, it will also serve as a strong reference point to parents, educators, and anyone who finds themselves listening to it or reading the transcripts.

Presentation

There’s something about putting the word ‘relation’ in front of ’ship’ that instantly makes it more complicated than a friendship. But why is this? Both a friendship and a relationship must be built on the same core components. You hear stories about people growing up to marry their ‘best friend’, you wouldn’t want to be in any other situation would you? For most teenagers a relationship usually serves one or more of the following purposes (harsh but true): a social role at school, a fixation of one kind or another, or a short and imperfect infatuation with someone for reasons less than desirable. Notice, I said most. However, there are many teenagers emotionally mature enough to think beyond their own individual needs and attend to the needs of someone else. And that right there is the very foundation of what a relationship is.

One must have reasonable expectations of their partner. Entering into any form of a relationship with a mindset that you can change the individual only places you in an emotionally vulnerable position. Best to try and ‘fix them’ before you invest more in them than they do in you.

Your partner wants to see that you have a life that both incorporates them and your own personal interests and goals. While people’s preferences differ from relationship to relationship, a common theme is creating an atmosphere that is both intimate and open for breathing room, all while being fulfilling for both. Some ways to do this include continuing to build your friendships with others, staying actively involved in things you’re passionate about, and of course, talking to your partner and reaching the right balance.

All of that having been said, things are never so simple when you’re in a relationship. I want to focus on sustaining a relationship. Eventually all relationships reach a point at which they stop running on excitement and start running on a true and real desire for one another, an emotional connection, and a physical attraction. Unfortunately it’s usually hard to tell when this point is reached, some people will learn after they’re married that they haven’t yet met that point, and some will struggle with many relationships until they do reach that point. The rest of the presentation will focus on being in a  relationship, if you have any questions or comments regarding things I have said up to this point, please bring them to my attention.

Sustaining a relationship can be compared to achieving musical competency with an instrument, at first your going to mess up  often, probably hit a few wrong notes, and then hopefully get better at it eventually. So many people overlook the things that make or break a relationship. You need to find these things out up front, and there is no set list of criteria that everyone wants. Some people need more emotional support than others, and some need more or less of a physical relationship. You absolutely must learn how your partner feels most comfortable communicating with you. Are there certain times they’re more receptive to you than others, specific approaches to take when raising a controversial opinion, or things you know will cause them to put up a communication wall to you?

People tend to naturally respond better to others when they are focused on them. So save that really important conversation with your partner for a time when you can have their attention to the degree in which you need it. The daily stresses in life will sadly preoccupy not only most of your partners emotional energy, but yours as well, so if you have to, tell your partner you want to talk to them about something important to you and set a time to do so. As a general rule, never try and resolve an issue if you or your partner haven’t had time to cool off. We’re all much more rational when we’ve had time to de-stress and think about the situation from a wider angle. I could go on for quite some time talking about communication strategy, but really in practice, the ones that work with your partner are the same ones you should be using with everybody else in your life, so if you’d like to learn more please read this.

Perhaps the easiest or the most difficult area of a relationship is the physical aspect of one. Hopefully you’re still with me, because this is usually the part that demands significant attention. With TV shows like “Secret Life of the American Teen” & “The Hills”, it’s hard to know what the norm is for teenagers and young adults today. But I’m going to tell you quite simply, there is no norm, and no couple should decide the fate of their physical relationship based on anything but their feelings for each other and their level of comfort with each other. I prefaced this presentation with an article referring to the discovery of sexual ideas and teen usage of the internet. Most teenagers will explore their own sexuality through a combination of popular media and online resources. All of this is heavily influenced by the society and culture one is growing up in, obviously significantly impacted by religious and traditional norms as well. So there really is no right and wrong when it comes down to how involved you become with someone. It is dependent upon the two people and what they decide. Having said that, of course there’s a right and wrong! It’s just up to the maturity of the individuals and whether or not they will make the right decisions for themselves.

Talk to your boyfriend or girlfriend, if you can’t have the conversation about how you both feel about it, you shouldn’t be in that territory yet. Your relationship will be much more successful if you get on the right page early on and respect your partner’s feelings. I cannot express how important this is or how essential it is. In fact, you owe yourself the self-respect to only be in a relationship where your values are respected by your partner. If there is mutual understanding and respect between two people, the physical relationship can be both an exciting and comforting part of a healthy relationship.

The Most Important Part…

Have fun. Seriously. You didn’t meet your potential boyfriend or girlfriend and say, “Oh I would now like to formalize my intent for one day dating you”. You found them to be a great person. Never forget the things that first attracted you to them, because those things are there to stay. Most people need warmth in a relationship, you can help make you and your partner feel happy and comfortable by being yourself. You don’t need to try overly hard, and the littlest things like a surprise kiss or an unexpected hug can make your relationship conducive to bringing about lasting satisfaction for both people.

I hope that you can take something valuable from this, and if nothing else found it to be a pleasant overview. Thank you for your time, and I am now open to comments and questions.

Michael

This presentation, although written in blog post style, was originally intended for a live audience, all references to first and and second person pronouns are to enhance the reception of the speech and an alternative version of this is available as a transcript.

Chances are that right now there is something about your life that you’re not satisfied with. And if you’re content with your life, then you should probably ask yourself why that is, because there’s always a level of greatness above contentment, you just have to know how to find it. Perhaps you’re going through life from day to day, living out the goals and plans that have been put in place for you by someone else. It could be your parents or maybe your friends, whoever it is, those plans are not your own. If you are to own your own life, and I mean truly own it, then you should be living through no one but yourself. If there is something you want to do in life and you’re not doing it right now, this is for you.

I think  one of the best ways to discover how to do this can come from examining your own life, so that’s what I did. Below are the principles that seemed to really stick out to me.

Sometimes people reach a point where they can’t wait any longer. One day they wake up, and that day will set a standard for every new day to follow, each day unlike any of the past. Put simply, they stop hitting the snooze alarm on their own life, and wake up to a new reality that is defined by themselves, as real as they are determined to make it. Unfortunately some people don’t ever have this epiphany, and others, not until rather later in life. Now none of this feel-good inspirational stuff matters if you’re not ready, being motivated and inspired is far less than half the battle. If you’re ready to take control, or you think you might be, take a chance and see for yourself.

1. The perfect opportunity was 6 months ago

Right now you might not be thinking it’s the right time to make a life altering decision, but who’s really to say when the right time is? Obviously there are things that happen in life making one time more opportune than another, but within limits you can probably start something new at any point. When I first started Think Top Down I waited until the start of the summer, and then I had the next couple of months to get organized. Very much the opposite happened with Esoteric-Life though.  I flew to San Jose the weekend before finals prep week, I couldn’t have picked a busier time, but it wasn’t worth waiting any longer. Despite what some people might tell you, certain things might not get better over time, and they might even get worse. You and only you are responsible for making your life what you want it to be.

2. Surround yourself with awesome people

Don’t hesitate to share your ideas with the people you know, someone might see hidden value in them that you missed. The worst thing you can do when starting something new is to keep all of your ideas to yourself. Any person who has successfully launched a new project will tell you that their idea evolved out of the contributions and criticisms of many people. Randy Pausch said something that has stuck with me since I heard it in his speech entitled The Last Lecture

When you see yourself doing something badly and nobody’s bothering to tell you anymore, that’s a very bad place to be. Your critics are your ones telling you they still love you and care.

The CEO of uApp, Adam Huda, said something similar to me when I was with him in San Francisco driving to our board meeting, he told me that the worst thing possible is being the smartest person in the room. You never want to be the smartest person in the room, and you should never consider yourself that person. By surrounding yourself with people who are both smarter and dramatically different then yourself, you will be better able to build something great. There is something to learn from everyone, and a truly intelligent person is able to admit the areas where their knowledge is lacking, and seek the advice of others who’ve been there before. Most importantly, show gratitude to everyone, even if they don’t show it to you, because they’ll notice and that makes it worthwhile. Humility isn’t encouraged, it’s essential.

3. Don’t forget important relationships

Remember work should never take precedence over relationships, friends, or family. These are the people you need supporting you, for that reason it’s vital that you take the time to attend to their needs before anything else. You can’t expect people to be there for you if you’re not there for them. It’s very easy to become engrossed in work. Make sure to come up for air every once and awhile, it’ll keep you sane, and it shows others close to you that you care about them and that you aren’t letting them fall by the wayside. If a problem does arise, work it out as soon as you can. A bunch of mounting little problems will produce a bigger and much more debilitating one later on. I’ve had to learn this lesson the hard way many times. People also appreciate directness, by not beating around the bush and choosing to confront an issue head on, you communicate to the other person two things: 1. I don’t want this to get in between the two of us and hurt our relationship, and 2. I’m listening and ready to know how I can make things better. An apology should have three parts; I’m sorry, It won’t happen again, and how can I make it up to you. Always remember that learning from your mistakes does not necessarily mean you’ve learned to change your behavior.

4. People will doubt you — prove them wrong

Choosing to push forward when things get tough, and you think you can’t go on, gives people that much more to admire you for. I firmly believe it’s at that point in which you want to give up, that you possess the most power for change.

The brick walls (in life) are not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don’t want it badly enough. Randy Pausch

Growing as a person means doing things that you never would have thought yourself able to do.

5. Changing one piece at a time means the rest will fall into place

Don’t worry about the end, focus on the now. As with anything, changing your daily life takes time. There are some things, however, that can help you get there faster:

• Identify the problem

• Identify the solution (if there isn’t one, keep thinking, because there is something that will make things better)

• Set goals; depending on what it is that you’re trying to accomplish these might be at 1 week, 3 week, and 6 week bench marks, or they could be over the course of several months

• Make a list of steps that you can follow until you reach each bench mark

• Decide on a method for evaluating yourself as you put your plan into action -> Do this so you can learn what works and what doesn’t

• Figure out who you want helping you and start the conversation with them now

Oops I forgot one…

6. Failure > Giving up

You’ve heard it before, it doesn’t matter what you do in life, it is better to try and fail than to not try at all. So don’t give others and yourself a reason to doubt what you stand for. You don’t receive nothing from failure, you gain experience.

Do you have a change you want to make, but aren’t sure where to begin, or how to make it happen? I read all e-mail.

All too often people find themselves in situations where miscommunication, upon miscommunication, has compounded into becoming an impossibly difficult barrier to overcome. Sometimes offensive actions worsen the situation because people who are angry often say and do things that represent their emotion at the time, rather than how they truly feel. This is something that has happened to me, and I believe that it happens with many other people as well. Because of this, and going through it more than once, I got to thinking. I wanted to know if there was a way that would ultimately provide a workable method to overcome these situations, if one should come up again (perhaps I should say “when” one comes up again). Below is the strategy I came up with. Many of these things are common practice and shouldn’t be new to you. However, the order in which they’re said and how they’re said is very important. Let me know what you think.

When conflicts arise today, the first instinct is to avoid the person in question. Gen Y is terrible at confronting people about their differences. If anything they might text them, or try and talk to them online in some way. Options like texting, internet, or over the phone might work in some situations where the infraction is relatively minor. For example, if you are apologizing for not doing something you said you would’ve, or maybe slightly embarrassing someone around your friends. This does depend of course, greatly on other circumstances and the people involved. Talking to people when trying to work out issues, if at all possible, should always be used, however. The reason for this is that you can gauge their reactions, expressions, and tone of voice easily. You want the personal touches to be there if you’re to be considered genuine in what you say.

Steps

1. Be honest with yourself and admit your mistakes.

Something went wrong somewhere, so try and think back to the very first sign that there was a problem. What were you saying or doing when you realized there was a problem? Obviously if you know specifically you did something wrong then you can go straight to preparing your apology. Perhaps it was something that you didn’t think would hurt or offend them. May be it was a joke misinterpreted. Was it a situation you put them in? Did you forget something important? It could be an ongoing thing that has been building up over time. For example poking fun at something they do and teasing them. Some people will become irritated if this behavior persists for longer than a single occurrence or two. Have you changed the way you act around them? May be they aren’t even angry with you but are upset because they think something isn’t right between the two of you. If you know where you messed up, figure out how you want to apologize. If you don’t know, skip step 1 and go onto step two. After you complete step two start by saying something like, “I feel like somethings up, are you upset?”.

2. Tell them the things that they have done right and that you like.

This is your chance to do two things: a) reinforce things which they do towards you that are positive, b) start talking about the issues without accusing them of anything or starting a confrontation. No one expects to be made to feel good about something they are doing when they either know why the other person is angry with them or they think that they did something wrong. This part is important and doesn’t mean you’re going to compliment them on physical attributes, but rather you might say things like: You’ve always made me happy, I’m the happiest when I’m with you, I love how you’re always here for me to count on, etc. Then you can lead into saying how something’s gone awry. “You always make me happy, and that’s something I think I’ve taken for granted, I want you to know how much I care about you. Lately I’ve felt like we’ve drifted apart and that’s been making me upset. I want to make things better between us.” Then lead into step 3.

3. Say how their actions have (are) making you feel. Do NOT accuse. Do NOT tell them what they should’ve done.

Take this part as an opportunity to explain what’s upsetting you. Don’t blame them for anything yet! Explain in detail, occurrences, events, times in general, that a particular thing they’ve done has upset you. You need to be clear, concise, and get directly to the point. This entire thing will lose its effect if you simply throw out catch all statements like, “You’re annoying when you get home from work” or “Sometimes you really piss me off”. The correct things to say might be, respectively, “Recently when you’ve come home from work I feel like I don’t get to talk to you about my day, and the things going on in my life. I feel like since you aren’t usually happy with how work has gone, sometimes some of that overshadows time for the two of us”. Notice never once did I say anything the other person could object to. No accusations such as, “You take everything out on me”, “You don’t care about what I have to say”.

4. Ask them how they feel about the situation, leave it open ended. “I’ve told you how I feel, I’d like to hear how you feel because that’s important to me.”

Up until now, if you’ve done this process correctly, no voices should’ve been raised, and they are probably already being receptive to what you’re saying. You’ve talked enough however, and now is the time to become an active listener. That means you listen. I did I say you talk? NO. Listen to what they have to say and do not interrupt them until they get it all out. If you interrupt them they may not get to something they’ve had on their mind. While this period should be a calm conversation, let them take the lead unless they become unforthcoming with their feelings. Even then, gently try to get them to open up. There could be a problem bigger than you could imagine, it may not even have to do with you, but it could be having an affect on their emotions and causing them to act the way they do. Never assume something until you know what’s going on. Obviously there are situations where you can’t be the nice guy any longer, eg. cheating, lying, breaking up is inevitable, change of feelings, they are clearly mistaken in their thinking.  Discern these at your own discretion.

Hopefully their response will lead towards fixing things up. They will be more likely to admit where they are wrong because you already did three things; admitted you did something wrong (even if it’s only little!), reinforced the good between the two of you, making them feel more confident about your relationship, and showed concern for their feelings.

-Michael